[IMPORT] Midlife Crises

No, I'm not yet an adult. Nor do I want to, yet. I used to, but everything's regret. At the end of the day, I'm time is all-powerful. As what M. Elliott Jacques prescribed when he coined the term, midlife crisis refers to a certain stage of in life filled with tribulations and regrets that soon arise after decades of dealing with work, relationships, emotions, the self, career, and going cray with debt. Below are some of the primary symptoms of when you know you're into real shit:

• Boredom and exhaustion, or frantic energy
• Self-questioning
• Daydreaming
• Irritability, unexpected anger
• Acting on alcohol, drug, food or other compulsions
• Greatly decreased or increased sexual desire
• Sexual affairs, especially with someone much younger
• Greatly decreased or increased ambition

I do believe that a few signs are beginning to emerge. But what the heck? To be frank, I'm not that sure if what I'm feeling right for almost more than a year is really this type of crisis. Or heck I'm probably just a fastidious motherfucker. (I don't have anyone sexual to immutably fancy with OR at least an insatiable desire to bang domesticated animals)

my laub 4 u, internets, overflows

Setting these concerns aside, I really do feel low ever since I graduated last year. I'm caught up in some serious post-school, emerging adulthood dipshit I can't explain how and why. Nothing limited to the personal, though. I could say it's what everyone else might experience. Everything's just too fast for me, and boy it I'd have to extract my entire intellectual, emotional and physical juices to extrapolate that.

The first and foremost issue that I have is nothing as goddamn serious as money. I'd have to be honest that there's nothing else in the world I would wish for right now but get out. I know it's spitting upon the national mantra of giving back, but I have long owned my creed, so don't try lecturing me. I have my right to uphold the promises of what life has ahead of me. I have to consider the real fulfillment that await me in that distant place far from the blinding myth of sacrifice that has never borne fruit. Earn cash, I say to myself, without the ever-perennial whines of health and social demolition. In the field of the academe, most particularly in the Philippines, it'd take substantial will to deny that reality.

escapism: not worth a single shit

Fulfillment is subjective and I stand by the conviction that it doesn't always have to be some sort of epic-proportionate saga of selflessness or being mistaken to sexually harass adolescent girls thus being burned at the stake.

Japanese interpretation of female adolescence

or her donkey

Relatively, I'm a few years younger than my foreign degree-holding counterparts. Yeah, I am liberated from the shackles of formal education at an earlier age, but ever since going through college and seeing the realities of life and the career world, I seriously believe I could've been into school much longer. Aided by the fact that I've long dreamed of working (and/or studying) overseas, one disadvantage that I'd like to point out with relation to that is age has a bearing in most workplaces and schools with how they evaluate people as explored in this report. Based on an up-close experience, my cousin who migrated to the US had to take two more years in high school--although she already graduated here--before she could continue in college. This is in comparison to the usual schooling culture in my country where age range at a certain level usually up to almost 3 years is nearly ubiquitous. Such reality gets under my skin. I seriously believe I earned the diploma I have right now, and is being followed by a masters, but the entire standards-based system just sucks it all up.

hopes and dreams bbz

I've finally decided to spend more years in where I am right now. People are telling me I'm too young to rush things, while the inner covetous, insecure self whispers begging for more. Sadly, I'm still on the phase of rationalizing both sides.

Right in high school, I was among those confident, brushed-up kids who had that clear foresight where they'd go to college. Now, everything slowly saturates: a kid getting fed up with his toys. The thought of realizing I gave my parents what-ifs just creeps me out like I'm an incompetent misfit who got a hang of himself asking "was it the right choice?" after everything that went through.

AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE GONE THROUGH
~reverberates in the recesses of my mind

Definitely not cool for the egotistic, self-righteous that I am.

the feelings and coping mechanism